I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
