life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
