dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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