Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
