I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
