I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
