found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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