I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
