Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
