I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
