I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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