I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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