Where is the hickey?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
