A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
