I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm always down for nudity.
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