Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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