I checked into jail on foursquare
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
