Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
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One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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