He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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