We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
