I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
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he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
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We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.