So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.