I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason