I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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