Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
