you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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