I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
