And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
