this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Randomize
