Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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