I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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