he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my shit smells like andre
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
