look no pants
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Panties = found
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
