Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
