Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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