If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
