So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
