hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
