When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck