Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
