I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
