There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
