my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Randomize
