Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Randomize
