I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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