Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
