Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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