So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
