I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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