Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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