Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
