Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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