I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
