just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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