and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
