Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
