Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
