I can text with my tongue
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
