guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
