Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
