it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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