Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
