i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
