I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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