that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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